The Love Hate Situation

Well today has been very boring. More rain sleet and snow, but for now nothing. And now church tomorrow is cancelled so I guess I'm sleeping in. So I promised you all a new post by the end of the day so I'm going to keep my promise.

While I was sitting at home today I thought of many things to talk about on here. I came up with alot of things. But there was one topic that I felt was the one to talk about tonight. This topic is based on 4 people and the complexed relationship I have with each one. I think this is such a big topic that I will have to break it up into 4 parts. Ha this will give me a reason to keep coming back on. So here we go.

Part One: The Ex-girlfriend

I have known her my entire life. She is a little more than a year younger than me. Her parents are friends with my parents and actually her parents set mine up. My most earliest memory of her is when I was at her house one New Years eve. Me and my sister were with her and her brother and we were playing games.

Well the games led up to where me and her were pretending to get married. I wasn't so happy about the idea because you know how us guys are in our early days. So a long time afterwards I thought of her as the person who wanted to marry me. To be honest I think she had a literal crush on me back then, but we were kids so who knows.

I saw her every now and then years afterwards. I never really talked to her until she started coming to the highschool and the revolutionary invention of texting was invented. We began to really get to know each other. I really enjoyed talking to her and she did as well. I later found out later on that my sister asked her if she had feelings for me and she said yes. I took that information and used it to ask her out.

The relationship was pretty much the most involved one I have been in so far. But even so, the relationship went pretty much nowhere and I was the reason for that. It was pretty much a texting relationship. I have always been a very shy shy guy so I never really know when and how I was to take it farther. But I loved it because we could talk to each other openly, the way we couldn't around other because we couldn't trust well enough. We talked about our dreams and how we saw ourselves years later.

I started to be a romantic and send her parts of lyrics from a song as she went to sleep. The one I can remember specifically is:

If tomorrow never comes
I want you to know right now that
I'm gonna love you til the day I die
And If tomorrow falls asleep
Can you hold me fast
I'm gonna love you like it's the last night on earth

I meant what I said in a sense that I needed her in my life all the time. I wasn't entirely sure though in what way. It then came to where she said I love you at the end of the night. I was really shocked and unsure what to do. I knew I didn't want to say something to sound that I was trying to avoid to say it back, so I said it back. But now that I think about it, I didn't really mean it.

I guess that was where it didn't feel real anymore. I was saying things that I didn't mean to impress her back. What really sent the relationship was when she posted on her signature in her text messages "Mrs.Cook". It totally freaked me out because it felt like we were really comitted when we were not at all. I really didn't want to keep leading her on.

Other things happened in my personal life where I finally decided to end it with her. I didn't feel like myself anymore and I just needed some space. I know I broke her heart. That was the hardest part because I knew that she was still such a vital part in my life.

The last thing I can remember since then is where we began to date again. I felt refreshed from everything that happened both with her and in my personal life, and I felt I could try again. It ended again 2 weeks or less afterwards in a mutual agreement. I don't know the reasons on her part, but I still remained so shy around her.

There was a period where we didn't talk. I felt that I was missing something. It had been months since me and her had not talked for that long. After the new year we began to establish contact again. That was in 2009 and since then we have maintained a friendship relationship, although I feel that we both feel more about each other.

I think what has stopped us from getting back together is the fact that nothing has changed by the way we handle relationships. I know I certainly haven't. And I don't want to do that to either one of us. I have pictured my life with her and I really think we are perfect for each other. I just feel that we need to continue to get to know each other. And once I feel that I have matured to the point of getting back together with her then I will.

But I just worry that I will be too late. Ah that sounded way too corny...even for me.

I'm talking to her now so I'm gonna wrap this up...

Well there ya go folks. I spilled out my heart for the first part of the series. Make sure you come back tomorrow for the second one! It'll be juicy!

-Tyler