Mind Wandering

You know, sometimes things are just hard to put into words.  Gosh, if I was able to type every little though on here, I would have several volumes published into books and they would be sitting in Barnes and Noble right now.  But to be truthful, sometimes I don't even know what my own emotions really mean. 

Why bring this up you ask?  To be honest, even I don't know.  Sometimes though, I actually spend a few moments and let my mind wander to the past.  Past relationships, past friendships, regrets, and things I would do again.  Sometimes, all of these things are wrapped up in a nice little package.  I dare not open these packages sometimes.  It leads the mind to possible opportunities that have no chance of happening. 

Sometimes people just drift apart.  Some relationships come apart when there is no common ground to hold it together.  Friends drift due to the busy work schedules, the schooling, and the offense to what was said and meant for good intentions. 

Sometimes I think of the friendships that lead up to something more.  When you kick up the friendship to something more, it feels right at first, but then you start to feel awkward.  You don't know if it's you or them, but you know that there is a flaw in whatever you have going on.  You break it off because you feel that it's whats best.  But immediately you long for it back again. 

Why is that?  Why do people give up something like that, and then when the deed is done, they regret it?  Why is it that when that someone moves on, or you think they have moved on, you realize that you haven't?  You start to get jealous for that feeling that they are experiencing right then.  Then when you make attempts to rebuild any sort relationship with them, they throw it back in your face, retribution for what you made them experience.  I admit that I am a guilty party when it comes to this. 

I have no idea where this theology comes from.  I know I'm not the only one that does this.  So let me ask you this.  What makes out mind act like this?  Why does it give you this random wave of emotions in all the wrong places and times?  Maybe it is a flaw in the entire human species. 

And the best part, not really, is that you have this chamber of memories to look back on for eternity, .  All the regrets, the memories of friends and loved ones that have come and gone.  You have the chance to relive it every day. 

But there is something that can give you comfort.  Closure.  I have never been a fan of it myself.  I usually just find comfort taking a field trip into that chamber, and reliving the good memories that I had with those people.  But sometimes that isn't enough.  You can feed on memories only so much.  So you know what?  I have started trying to get some of this closure.  I have only taken small steps mind you, but they are steps nonetheless. 

It's hard though.  I don't even think I am doing it right.  Telling people what you really think and then walking away really doesn't help the situation does it?  Neither does it help me find out what they would have said back.  But I think the reason I walk away is because I don't want to know what they want to say.  I think I just want everything to get out in the open and then that's it.  The end of the chapter.  It doesn't end on a good note, nor a bad.  It just ends.  Even though it is hard, I think I can wade out the storm of emotions and just hope that the future is more promising. 

Wow, I don't know if you understand any of that.  I feel that it was all in a foreign language to you, or in a very complex code.  Really though, do you know what I mean from your own experiences?  Have you had these wanders in the mind to really make you think about everything?  Have you had some closure in what you finally decided to do?  If so, you should probably write a book because I know some people will wanna read! 

It was fun really talking in this post today.  I think this was a post that I have been wanting to write for some time.  Even though I still feel that I am at a loss for words, I think I wrote it the best way I could to even help myself understand it.  Only time will tell. 

Until next time!

-Tyler